The beginning of the end....of cookies

I believe this is the 10th year I've committed to losing weight--possibly 11th. If I remember correctly, weight loss is the #1 New Years Resolution...up there with paying off all debt, saving money, and buying a dragon--all great ideas, all mostly impossible to achieve. It seems so simple, especially for those skinny, cookie hating, gym loving, protein shake drinking, 10 mile a day running, freaks who tell me I just need to get motivated. My answer: "tomorrow"--because tomorrow I will magically stop liking McDonalds, brownies, cake, cookies, Mexican food, fried chicken, potatoes, gravy, oooooooooooh. Throw in a love for gyms, running, spandex, Ps90x (is that what it's called) crunches, ab-flex, Jane Fonda, and yoga...yep, all that will happen "tomorrow."

Let's be real...tomorrow is still filled with the same crap you ate before, in some cases, it has chocolate cake. My excuse is generally centered around a stressful day, a birthday party, a holiday, a Tuesday--tomorrow turns into next week, then next month, then the dreaded "New Years Resolution." To be fair, I weigh less now than I did two years ago (I know, I was pregnant, come to think of it, when am I not?), but, I also weigh more than I did last year, guess that cancels out the "to be fair" option. So, I can blame it on 2010 being a stressful year...oh, it was, TRUST ME, it was. Then again, if I think back to the last decade: 2000, I had a baby, so, it was all baby weight. 2001: Still baby weight, hasn't been a year yet...what, I'm pregnant again--shit." 2002: I just had another baby, it's all baby weight! 2003: I went through a very turbulent separation, lost 50 pounds, reconciliation, I gained 45. 2004: I'm pregnant, SERIOUSLY?!?! 2005: It's all baby weight, oh, and I decided to go back to college to finish my degree...it's like the freshman 15 all over again! 2006: Student teaching, marital problems, an obsession with bread bowls from Quiznos and Uncle Baos Chinese Buffet with my best friend. 2007: COLLEGE GRADUATION!! Oh, and a horrific divorce, left with three broken hearted children, my first year teaching, and a new found love for beer. 2008: Screw this, I'm moving 700 miles away from everything and everyone I know...time to start over. Met the love of my life, magical...what?! I'M PREGNANT.....AGAIN?!?!? 2009: Just had another baby...lost 25 pounds during my pregnancy, an additional 20 after having him, and it spiraled downwards until.... 2010: Family issues, financial issues, deep depression, returned to work--I'm pregnant...again, but this time, lost baby--found out a huge tumor had grown as it's replacement. Heartbreak, depression, surgery, fertility lowered, resigned from job, placed in new school, more stress, tears, breakdown--recovery, children with unresolved "daddy issues," therapy, more tears--oh Lord, I can't even continue with the rest. Wasn't good, wasn't good at all.

What was good? Food...food was always good. Throw in some beer, a good Lifetime movie, I didn't have to move for the next 3 hours. I could eat, eat my feelings, eat my frustration, eat my problems, eat more brownies, chips, candy, eat, eat, eat--What I couldn't do, face that the current jean styles weren't the reason I couldn't buy a new pair, that a cami doesn't hide all imperfections, that I am a victim of the muffintop, and girdles, fine and dandy if you are only a few pounds overweight, but, when you're close to 85 pounds over the limit, just makes you look like a barrel. What did it take to finally get that wake up call...my 10 year old. He took a picture with his phone, I was sitting on the couch, back turned. When I did my nightly scan of random texts, pics, and calls he had made, I stumbled upon this blob sitting on the couch "Who's the fat chick?? Oh crap." An innocent picture that my son thought was just a normal pic of his mommy...not one of her from the shoulders up, angled slightly, head up, chin out, usually with a child, husband, or pillow in front. It was me, raw, untucked, not sucked in (total joke, couldn't suck in if I tried), not hiding, completely oblivious--it was real, I was the fat chick. 

I've always hid behind my humor--if I make a joke out of it, I hurt less, beat the other person from pointing it out first. Then again, if someone is cruel enough to joke about my fat ass in front of me, then, they deserve to be throat punched...just saying. I can't hide anymore, I can't keep praying that skinny jeans will go out of style and baggy will make a comeback--I fear jeggings are here to stay, as terrifying as that is. I'm tired of walking into a store and getting that look from employees...fat people know that look--"Uhm, the socks are over there. The jewelry section is in the back. We don't sell jeggings in Shamu size." I would like to wear high heels and not feel like they are going to snap under the weight--wear a pair of jeans that I can tuck a shirt into, not my fat rolls...or wear a dress and not be asked when I'm due--by the way, when did THAT question or comment become socially acceptable?!?! I was always taught: unless you see a child emerging from the uterus, are sitting at a baby shower, or the woman has a shirt on with an arrow pointing down saying "BABY," you never, ever, under any circumstance, assume.

So, it begins-not first thing today, because, that is so cliche AND I had Mexican food for lunch...hey, even A&E let's their addicts shoot up one last time before the Intervention, I wanted tacos, shoot me. I wont say it begins tomorrow, because, well, that is ridiculous and makes my prior points moot. So, as of January 3rd, at 9:14pm (CST), it has begun. I stood on the scale, choked back the tears, and know that this will be a long journey. I will not be running any marathons soon, but, I have made the first step and installed the "My Fitness Pal" app on my phone--we all need a starting point. So here's mine-

Date: 1-3-11

Time: 9:17pm

Weight: 236lbs

Height: 5'8"

Age: 30 something

Mood: exhausted and hungry

Workout: Pshaw

Here goes nothin.....

Andria