Going to Southbeach to have a steak with Atkins, then take some Alli with Jenny Craig while doing some Weight Watching...

I believe I have tried it all...We all want that magic bullet, the quick weight loss diet or pill that is going to make all the fat fall right off. Fall asleep weighing 300lbs and wake up at 125lbs. So many of us have invested in pills, diet plans, books, guides, and exercise routines that seem like the perfect way to shed those pounds and keep them off. We don't want to believe that eating right and exercise is the only way to really win the battle of the bulge, that there has to be an easier way. I know we want to believe that, because Americans have spent over $34 BILLION dollars on alternative weight loss remedies. Read the fine print on these diet miracles...*results not typical*. Sure, the lifetime movie chick who was once married to a burnt out 80s rocker can now sport a bikini thanks to Jenny Craig, but, they don't show the personal trainers, meal delivery services, and entourage that has helped her obtain that perfect build-Jenny Craig aint that good.

Not to mention the food in some of these commercial diet plans...ever read what is in the perfect package from Nutrisystems? There is protein, some carbs, and about 12,000mg of sodium. You would have better luck losing weight sucking on a salt lick. I tried Nutrisystems back in 2006--my grandmother helped with the investment of close to $200 of food. I believe cat food had more a luxurious taste and far more nutritional value. I hit the diet and the gym full force, and started to GAIN weight. I called the hotline to ask what in the hell was going on. I had been eating their terrible food, working out an hour every day and was putting the pounds on....don't give me the "muscle weighs more than fat" crap, may be true for body builders, but, for regular fat people, it's a dirty, dirty lie. Anyway, hotline guy asks me if I had been following the diet? Of course I had!! Then he asks if I had been working out...again, of course. His response: "ooooh, that's where you went wrong, you can't exercise because the sodium in the food will make you retain water." What kind of crazy ass diet is this?!?! You can't work out because it will make you UN-healthy?!? Retarded, I threw my liquid salt in the trash and looked for another answer.

This led me to the insane trainer at the local gym....he had trained Gloria Esefan, he would help me drop the weight fast! Here's how: I had to wear sweat pants and a hooded sweatshirt WITH the hood on--not to mention the garbage bag I had to wear over my entire body (with arm holes cut out). I had to spend an hour on the eliptical machine EVERY DAY while wearing this awesome get up, and the weight would fall off. Oh, and the diet was the best--here it is for those that want to try it, mind you, this is ALL you eat, every day, until desired weight is attained: Morning--1 egg white scrambled, 1 piece 100% wheat toast, 1 banana. Snack: 1 protein shake mixed with water. Lunch: 1 grilled chicken breast, 1 cup broccoli, 1 banana. Snack: 1 protein shake mixed with water. Dinner: 1 grilled chicken breast, 1 cup broccoli, 1 banana. So, I ate the same crap over, and over, and over--worked out in a plastic bag, and had to drink 64 ounces of water a day. In one month, I dropped 30 pounds, in two months, I gained back 40. This diet was meant to help me shed a lot of weight fast, but not designed to actually keep it off--the minute I deviated from the "plan" the weight started to come back on with a vengeance, not to mention I've just recently started eating bananas again--

I have done South Beach (super expensive grocery bill), tried Atkins (I have to fry steak IN bacon grease?), did the "zone" (only thing that makes me like Jennifer Aniston is my great hair), I cooked myself thin, ate myself clean, tallied my weight watcher points, and bought baby wipes along with my Alli. I've tried switching from coffee to green tea, sweetened with Stevia, avoided refined flour and sugars, and did Zumba (thank God there is no photographical proof of that). I bought into Nutrisystems, purchased the program "30 lbs in 30 days," wept over the weight loss confessionals during 3am infomercials. I tried the Kimora body shaper, bought an ab roller, lept on the gazzelle, and have enough pride to NOT invest in the shake weight...I do have some common sense, that is just ridiculous.

Now before anyone tells me that the above mentioned worked for them, I'm not stating it doesn't work, I'm just stating it didn't work for ME (and the majority of the world). I WILL attest that the majority of the people I know use their ab-swing to hold laundry or as an extra chair in their garage-don't you DARE tell me you got six pack abs from that crap, OR, body builder biceps from the boflex, you are a dirty liar. Regardless, there is a small minority that has been able to stick to these crazy diet plans and pills and taken the weight off and KEPT it off, but, the majority of us, it ain't gonna happen. For a small time I thought about gaining an additional 50 pounds to qualify for the lapband or gastric bypass surgery, but the reality is, those methods are meant for people who are really left with no other options, who have fought long and hard and there is no way out. Purposely gaining weight so I can get my stomach stapled is asinine, and although contemplated, not enough Funyuns in the world to actually make me reach that point. So, I know I have to do it the old fashioned way---call various friends with children and cross my fingers they have been exposed to the stomach flu so I can drop in for a visit, eat right, cut portions, work out, and be realistic. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and be 145 pounds (gah, I wish)...I don't know if I'll ever be back down to 145lbs, that seems like a dream away--but, I would like to be back down to a point where I don't have to dig to the back of the clothing racks at Old Navy, I'll settle for the middle. 

In other news--I did not get the job at the Academy, and honestly, it was a blessing in disguise. The model lesson went pretty well, but the kids, oiy, the kids. Needless to say, I fled back to my "ghetto school" and told all my students how much I appreciated them!! It's so different to go from a group of kids that feel entitled, have never had to worry about how the light bill is going to get paid, if the landlord will show up with an eviction letter, to a group like I teach, who truly know what life is really like. I have been on either side of that door...growing up I don't ever remember struggling or suffering, I was pretty lucky. When I became a college student, a young mother and wife, and financially cut off from my dad (rightfully so, no complaints), then a single mother of 3, I found out rather quickly how hard life was. I have hit some high and low points and kept moving along. Hell, I've hit high and low points this week! In the end, life has been cruel and good to me--not usually at once. I know that fighting this weight battle will not save all my problems--wont make me smarter, richer, or have less of a crazy group of friends or family members. Yet, it will help me solve an issue that has held me back for many years...make me happier, give me a way better wardrobe, and give me a more active lifestyle. 

As the college football bowl season comes to a close and the Superbowl in my sights...I will be less tempted to indulge in chips, dips, and buffalo wings--as well as taco bell. I have been pretty good with the diet, only deviating a few times--I've even managed to lose 2 pounds! I want to thank all of you "followers" out there, I love the blog comments and web support on Facebook. It's nice to have so many support me on this journey, whether you know me or not. I hardly see myself as an inspiration, just another chubby girl trying to get through the day and not eat cheesecake. 

Till next time,

Andria